Jack, Victor and the OBE Part One

This is my little homage to my favourite comedy programme, Still Game. There are rude words in it, so if you’re easily offended, I wouldn’t go any further 😂😂😂 I also apologise to any non Scots who might not understand a word of this. 😀😀 All thoughts are my own.

Victor and Jack

‘Jack, that’s somebody knocking at the door. Might be Postie. It’s about his time’

‘Aye and it’ll be the usual shite. An offer to buy back yer hoose and pillage all yer savings, a brochure frae Lidl offering ‘specials of the week’ which turn out to be a divers bell helmet and a chainsaw, plus a reminder to sort out ma funeral arrangements’

‘Och Jack, ye never know. It might be some long lost millionaire relative has popped his clogs and left you his mansion in Bermuda’

‘You answer it. I’m finishing ma cup of tea’

Victor opened the door. It was Isa.

‘Isa. oh it’s you hen. What can ah dae ye for?’

‘Well Victor. Postie happened tae mention Jack had an official looking letter. I offered tae take it and bring it along’

‘So, you saved him walking a whole 10 feet?’

‘Is Jack there? Maybe I could give it to him in person’

‘It’s okay Isa. I think I’ll manage. Thank you. Have a nice day’

door shuts….

‘Hey Jack, yil never guess, you’ve got something which looks important’

‘Important. How di ye know that?’

‘Well, the envelopes stamped Buckingham Palace!’

‘Gi mi it here’

‘Jack, you’ve got a letter frae the Queen ma boy. Maybe it’s tae ask yer advice about Brexit’

‘Aye right, they can stick that nonsense right where the sun disnae shine!’

‘Go on then. Get the fettered letter open ma boy, get the hare runnin, the moose loose, the can kicked’

‘Aw richt aw richt. gi mi space’

Silence.

‘What is it Jack? C’mon….spill the beans, shock us tae smithereens, show us yer sardines….’

‘Eh….this canna be richt’

‘Aw c’mon Jack ma teeth are nearly clampin’

‘Well….it looks like I’ve been awarded an OBE’

‘AN OBE JACK!!! Jack Jarvis OBE. Let me introduce the Honourable Jack Jarvis…..OBE. Brilliant Jack you deserve it…………………(long pause)…………………….whit’s it fir?’

‘It says its for ‘services to the public’ ‘

‘An OBE fir buyin loads o’ lager at the Clansman?’

‘No they kind ah services. Must have been aw thoan stuff ah did years ago. Ye know, thoan stuff’

‘Whit stuff’

‘Ah dinnae ken. Stuff that I must have done that has obviously impressed her Majesty’

‘Yer no Goan tae accept it are ye’

‘Of course not. It must be thae dickheads at the Clansman haein a joke’

‘Aye, yer probably right Jack…..bastards the lot o them’

Six hours later at the Clansman……….

‘Ah, our evening is made up boys…..here’s Batman and Robin…’

‘Shut up ya prick. Two lager or I’ll throttle ye wi his cape’

‘Alright, alright….cannae take a wee joke of a Friday night ya grumpy auld bastard…by the way…rumours are rife in these parts that you got a letter fae none other than the Queen the day?’

‘Okay Isa. dae yer teeth never stay still?’

‘Well, did ye or did ye no get a letter fae Buckingham Palace?’

‘Yes I did Isa….I DID get a letter from Buck hoose but I ken it’s really frae you lot’

‘No frae us Jack. We were wondering what it said. Are they going to put you in the tower fir voting SNP?’

‘It is you lot. Cannae leave an auld pensioner in peace. OBE my arse. Gies another pint!’

‘You huvnae started yer first wan ya daft bugger. OBE? You’ve been awarded an OBE? Whit fir?’

‘Oh Jack, ah always thought you looked like royalty’

‘Shut up Isa. It’s that old trick where you lot have Googled ‘what does a letter from the Queen look like’ and yeez have conjured up fake news to make me look like an auld daft wanker’

‘On their mothers grave, does anyone admit to making up a false letter from the Queen awarding Jack here a fictitious award of an OBE?’

Silence………

Two weeks later…….

‘It must be right enough Jack. You’re getting an OBE….an OBE son……..never mind Colonel Tom….. it’s Captain Jack…..’

‘Stop takin the pish you. Ah still think it’s somebody takin the pish’

Phone rings…..

‘Aye. I mean…yes…. it would be Jack Jarvis who is speaking……………….currently of this abode. Yes…I will get a pen. Right….ok….yes…..hmmm….that sounds great…..yes……….limousine you say……right thank you. Bye’

‘Who was that Jack?’

‘Some posh sounding bloke gaein me details about Dorchester hotels and limousines….oh and Plus One’s’

‘Plus One’s Jack…….did you just say – Plus One’s – best bosom buddy Jack Jarvis OBE?’

‘I still think somebody’s takin the Mickey out of us, but he said once we return a signed form that’s coming, they’ll send us train tickets, a limousine will pick us up from the station, take us to the Dorchester Hotel, where we will stay, some meals and drinks included for two nights, taxis to and from the Palace, then train home again’

‘Oh my, Jack m’boy…….it’s real and we have just landed on Planet Exclusivo, spondito, magnifico’

‘Hey, you’re jumping several guns here…..Ah’ve never said if Ah’m going and, if I do, I might take Isa’

Three months later……

‘Thank you Jack, I never ever thought I’d get to travel First Class in a train’

‘Nae bother victor, ye deserve it…….plus Isa had a hair appointment this morning so she couldnae come anyway’

‘Away wi yer wheesh….she’d have yapped ye tae death before you got tae Carlisle . Anyhoo Jack, here’s the ticket collector. Wap them oot son’

‘Thought you had them’

‘No, no Jack, as your Plus One and elected trip organiser I exclusively gave you that responsibility’

‘Och it’s alright…he’s no checking anybody….it’s fine’

‘Tickets please’

‘What dae ye mean ‘tickets please’ ‘

‘I’m just asking you to show me your First Class tickets sir’

‘But how come ye went right through the carriage, passing aw those suited and booted city boys and picked oan us auld pensioners. Is it because we look as if we couldnae afford First Class tickets?’

‘No Sir. I have to randomly pick people and this time I chose you’

‘Away and haud yer wheesh. Away wi yersel. Trot on’

‘I’m afraid if you don’t have your tickets, I’m going to have to ask you to either pay me now for First Class tickets or move to Second Class and pay for those’

‘Wi do have tickets. We just canny find them’

‘I’ve never heard that one sir. That must be a first’

‘Are you taking the Michael?’

‘No Sir. Just stating facts’

‘Och Jack…just pay the wee naff’

‘How much?’

‘For two First Class tickets. Glasgow to where?’

‘London Euston’

‘Single or return?’

‘Return’

‘ok that’s £175…….each’

‘350 quid to go to England…..we’re no buying the bloody train’

‘There you go that’ll be £350 Sir’

‘Aw haud on. I’ve just remembered’

‘What is it Jack?’

‘Buck Palace sent me e-tickets. It’s oan ma phone’

‘But sir I’ve just put this through…’

‘Did ye hear me saying I wanted them. Here’s the e-ticket – check it with your visuals and go and find someone who really is trying to defraud you’

‘But I’ll have to do paperwork to cancel those tickets’

‘Life’s tough Son…life is tough……oh and I also have these e-tickets for free champagne and food. Two glasses of your finest for my friend and I and as much food as you can supply us.

‘But….’

‘Be a good boy….we’re nearly at Preston. Ah’m starving’

The Dorchester

‘Wow Jack…..look at this, marble roon the bath, and, if I’m no mistaken, that’s all gold leaf. I saw it on the telly. They have a man gan roon redaein the gold leaf right room the hotel seven days a week.’

‘Aye, Victor, it’s no bad. Ah might be able to put up with it for a couple of nights. Is there a food menu there. Ah’m starving. That we gremlin on the train never brought hee haw’

‘Aye Jack, here it is. I’ll have a quick look……………hmmm…hmmmm…………maybes no’

‘Whit’s wrong Victor?’

‘Well, it’s aw in a foreign language’

‘Don’t be daft, their bound ti hae it in English’

‘Well, the first yin says ‘Confit duck foie gras wi fermented salsify and nasturtiums’

‘Nasturtiums? They’re flowers. Yer looking at the wrong thing ya numpty. Whae eats bloody flowers’

‘Or a watercress velouté, marinated Jerusalem artichoke wi a tuber melanosporum’

‘Whit’s that?’

‘Nae idea Jack nae idea – oh and it’s £150 pounds for the tasting menu’

‘Richt that’s it – a hundred and fifty pounds for a tuber and flooers – bugger that – I saw a pub that sells fish and chips soon the corner. C’mon let’s go!’

……………………………——>>>>>>>>>>> to pub

‘Ah, this is Mair like it Jack. Beer battered cod wi chips. Nae nasturtiums in sight’

‘Mind you Victor, still twenty quid for fish n’ chips. sheesh! Nearly as bad as Boaby at the Clansman charging twae quid for a shitey pie’

……………..waitress appears

‘Good evening. Are you ready to place your order’

‘Yes we are. We’ll have two portions of your finest battered Cod wi chips, n twae pints o’ lager’

‘I’m sorry. I did’t quite catch that….’

*Jack titters*

‘Oh, well two fish n chips and two pints o’ lager’

‘I’m sorry….you speak too quick for me. Are you Danish?

‘DANISH!!!…….Ah’ll…’

‘Victor, calm doon……. Ah’ll deal wi this’

*Points to the cod n’ chips and holds up two fingers…then the lager of choice followed by another two fingers*

‘Thanks very much, your order will be with you shortly’

……………………….>>>>

‘Danish indeed. These Londoners Jack….’

‘I think you’ll find she was of Eastern European origin Victor. She’s probably never heard a Craiglang accent’

‘Oct well….as long as the food appears soon and made importantly LAGER….. the drink of the Gods, the Scooby dooby doo, the drinkerinkerooo….’

————————–>>>>>>>>>

‘Well Jack…. that was just what the doctor ordered. Beautiful grub and, quite surprisingly, a reasonably priced pint. Wi these surroundings, ah’ll be haein a word wi Boaby about the beer prices in his run doon pub o’ his. Ah’ll get the bill’

‘No no Victor, ah’ll get it it….’

‘No Jack…thanks to you I’ve ridden first class oan the train, Ate great food and ah’m sleeping in a gold leaf bed in the finest hotel in London…it’s my shout. There’s the girl there. Excuse me can we have our bill please’

*waitress appears with wallet and bill and Victor takes £70 in cash out and places it in said wallet*

—————->>>>>> 5 minutes later

‘I’m sorry, the manager says these notes are not legal tender, so we can’t accept them’

‘Whit!! hey hen, I can assure you these are good Scottish notes, printed with the finest ink on the finest paper. We use them in Scotland every single day’

‘I’m sorry, they may be legal tender in Scotland but this is the United Kingdom’

‘United Kingdom!! Scotlands IN the United Kingdom. Maybe no fir much longer, but it’s in at the moment. Get yer manager over here til ah have a word wi him. Ah’m no accepting this. No legal tender indeed.’

—->>>> a few minutes later

‘Oh Christ Jack……he’s built like the Hulk……’

‘Okay mate how can I help you…’

‘Eh…..I was just saying to my friend about how lovely the food was and I wanted to apologise for trying to use Scottish notes in the United Kingdom. Our mistake…. Jack…get your credit card out pronto printo’

…………..in Part 2, not for the first time, Jack and Victor get stuck in a lift, but this time with some special fellow companions and Jack gets his OBE…….

‘Jack, Victor and the OBE Part One’ was brought to you by David Linden on he blog voted the 57millionthbestblogintheworld.com aka @qosfc1919 on Twitter ©️Dodo Productions 2021

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