FT’s Tartan Diaries The Story of #TeamTartan

This story needs a bit of explaining, so bear with me, but, without some preamble, you’ll stop reading much earlier than you normally do. 😊
When I first started droning on to family, friends and complete strangers, about Twitter they glazed over, coming out with all the predictable retorts and phrases i’d never ever ever ever, ( drone drone ) heard before.

‘Oh you and that twatting….. I don’t know what Twitter is……Only twits use Twitter….’

At one point i started to question myself. Not in a white light dazzling my eyeballs type questioning. More of a ‘wtf are you wasting so much time on this Dave, when you could be doing chores’. However, sometimes, if you hang in there long enough, magic happens.
In the year i’ve been on Twitter properly i’ve met lots and lots and lots of interesting, intelligent people ( i used too many and’s there ☺️)

From artists to writers, rugby lovers, sports fans, scientists and funny funny people, it’s been brilliant. You get the odd weirdo, but there’s a block button, which opens a big hole under their nasty feet and sends them to a fiery Netherworld where they have to watch EastEnders on 24/7 rerun.

Sooooooo, I’m not sure when, where or how it happened, but at some point, a group was formed called #teamtartan. The Indy Referendum drew people together and it pulled people apart. In our case, it threw together an eclectic mix of Scottish peeps with an American family from Maryland. It would take too long to cover all the things we’ve discussed, the stupid things we’ve laughed at, and how we were drawn together in the first place, but we’ve made the Earth a brighter and more interesting place…..

so who are #teamtartan?

in no particular order of infamy……..

@YoorWullie – clever clever, knowledgable chap. no idea what he does but uses a laptop and his tongue a lot. He is obsessed with the Declaration of Arbroath and the Queen might not be the first person he would invite to dinner. He does stuff with computers, spends an inordinate amount of time working in Leeds and will argue the benefits of
eating bananas over apples until the cows come home.
He lives up North and his ambition is to be Mayor of Arbroath resulting in FT creating a cartoon about him……

@YoorWullies cartoon
@YoorWullies cartoon by The History Twins
YoorWullie pt 2 by The History Twins
YoorWullie pt 2 by The History Twins


@FewArePict- the Queen of Milngavie – no idea what Debra does either but she’s represented Scotland at wheelchair rugby, loves windfarms (which is a sore point 😊) and she helped in the space of one dark weekend create the green superhero Mojito Man (although she can’t remember it happening). This resulted in FT (who we’ll mention later….😁) inventing Debra’s alterego superhero Bendy Girl, resulting in FT creating a cartoon about her…… ( a pattern is emerging 😏 )

@FewArePict 's cartoon 2 by FT TheHistoryTwins
@FewArePict ‘s cartoon 1 by FT TheHistoryTwins
@FewArePict 's cartoon 1 by TheHistoryTwins
@FewArePict ‘s cartoon 2 by TheHistoryTwins

@DeanStoker-Dean works at something or other but his main porpoise in life is to take brilliant photographs (which u can find on fineartamerica.com), climb things, cycle about a bit and just generally be a nice guy. He thinks everything should be coloured purple oh and this resulted in, guess what…. Yes….you’ve guessed it…FT doing a cartoon about him….. ☺️

Stoker of the Deans cartoon by The History Twins
Stoker of the Deans cartoon by The History Twins


#Teamtartan member number 4. He works with oil and computers, hopefully not at the same time….messy πŸ˜‰ He likes vodka martinis, also rum and blackcurrant. He doesn’t sleep as when he’s not mixing oil and computers, he’s sharpening the lead in his pencil. Talking of pencils, he has a penchant for Palomino Blackwing Pearl pencils. I’m not sure why……oh no….I nearly forgot, he WRITES…..and his first novel is coming out in July 2015 ‘Names Of The Dead’. I don’t think it’s a comedy… ☺️ FT hasn’t drawn a cartoon for him yet but it’s only a matter of time…..

Next up @thehistorytwins

thehistorytwins consist of FT, her sister Gigi and her Dad (Moms smart enough to keep out πŸ™‚ ) They have been the seed that sowed #teamtartan, that brought us together to be what we are, an unknown bunch of tweeters called #teamtartan. They stand out from the rest of the team, mainly because they are NOT SCOTTISH 😳 They are AMERICANS!!!

For the purposes of this storyline, you need to know some stuff. FT writes stories, creates funny and clever cartoons which you can view at http://thehistorytwins.wordpress.com
Despite being only 14 and American, she knows more about Joy Division than I do, she has an eclectic library of reading material, and supports any football team other than mine just because she can. Plus they’re allegedly coming to visit Scotland next summer…….😁
Gigi, her sister, is just 8, but she runs a Global Comic Subscription Scam from her bedroom, owns a large percentage of the worlds companies, ‘knows people’ and has a global network of satellites that track #teamtartan’s every move ( although her Dad thinks she’s tracking the rate of Arctic Ice melting ) You also need to know that in real life FT and Gigi do Karate…..
Their father likes Belhaven beer, hog jokes and pretends he’s in charge. He is to blame for FT’s interest in cartoons, as he used to do the very same thing in a previous world.

..then there’s me. I think I met thehistorytwins because of problems with my EvilSkyDish in 1847. That’s probably why FT created a cartoon for me as well……… this made number 1 on Reddit Webcomics chart view by over one thousand three hundred viewers πŸ™‚

My cartoon by FT @ The History Twins
My cartoon by FT @ The History Twins

Oh there’s so much more to tell, but we need to move on. I mentioned FT and co are coming to Scotland next summer and, if they’re mad enough to go ahead they are planning to meet some, or all, of teamtartan. They may decide to go to Madrid or Barcelona (FT’s preferred option) instead, or, now that relations have melted between them and the US of A, Cuba.
Just in case they do arrive on Alba’s shores, for some strange reason, I decided to write FT’s Tartan Diaries ahead of the actual event. Here’s episodes 1-6 – I hope u enjoy them…… *surprise eyes*……… 😳

FT’s Tartan Diary Episode 1

Arrived in Scotland via Iceland. As we’d passed over Greenland, it had looked so white, shiny and beautiful, glittering in the northern sunlight like a shiny diamond against a dark blue backdrop. As a contrast, we couldn’t actually see Scotland for the grey cloud that seemed to clench it like an old beggars glove.
As we left the plane I turned to my Dad ‘I thought it was supposed to be summer…no?……it’s f..f..f…free…zing’
‘Its ok I brought thermal underwear plus the tickets are still refundable and I have a hotel provisionally booked in Barca if this turns out to be as bad as it feels right now’
‘When’s Gigi’s private jet landing?’
‘About 9pm – she had some Global Pay Day Loan thing going on’
The first thing I noticed on traipsing through the airport shops was Leggats face. It was everywhere, promoting his new book. He’d promised me a free copy but it never turned up. Typical Scotsman. I was just about to buy a copy when I noticed something purple over in the corner. It turned out to be the noses of several Scotsmen clustered in the bar.
My Dad’s eyes suddenly lit up and within seconds he had several new friends.
‘Dad, we’re supposed to meet #TeamTartan at the Castle in 20 minutes….’
‘Fair enough….. Can u get me an Irn Bru?……….’

FT’s Tartan Diary Episode 2

I did feel bad about ditching #TeamTartan……….. Well, for about 8 milliseconds…. Mwa ha ha HAH! Dad’s new friends we’d met in the bar at Edinbro airport, turned out to be really interesting. We couldn’t understand a word they were saying, but we soon discovered if we laughed at the right times and loudly enough, they would buy us another drink. Having said that, there’s only so much Irn Bru a gal can drink before she turns orange and starts saying words like ‘ braw’ and ‘stoatin’.
Gigi eventually arrived, and, having signed all our new ‘friends’ up to a ‘comic subscription’ *chortles* we headed for Edinbro City centre in the tram. We had a lucky escape on arriving on Princes Street. Gigi had spotted them first…..there they were……..#TeamTartan wandering about aimlessly, well apart from YoorWullie who was explaining to some poor woman why bananas were better than apples.
It was Dad who started to waiver first…….
‘They’re obviously looking for us. I mean we’ve come all this way. Maybe we should go speak to them…..’
I looked at them through the grey damp mist of a Scottish summers day. Bendy Girl, Leggatt, Stoker of the Dean, Yoor Wullie and the ‘other’ one. Dad was right, we couldn’t not say hello. I looked up at him.
‘Hey, had you goin there FT, you thought I meant it didn’t you! look there’s a pub in the Grassmarket with new friends to meet and my name on it….let’s go’
I looked back but #TeamTartan had disappeared into the mist………..

FT’s Tartan Diaries Episode 3

It was probably a couple of hours after we’d arrived in the Grassmarket, when the police (or polis as the scottishes like to call them) burst, nay, lumbered into the pub.
‘We’re looking for a family of Americans who’ve been reported missing. Two adults, two girls, the smallest of whom may be running a Global Comic Subscription Scam….’
Now Scots are notoriously friendly. Around the world they are famed for being the friendliest nation on earth, if somewhat tight around the monetary regions. Unfortunately the bar mainly consisted of Japanese tourists, who turned round to stare at us, and started clicking their cameras. 15 minutes later we were locked up in St Leonards Police station.
‘I told you Dad. We should have met #TeamTartan like we said we would. Sussed them out, and only ditched them if they turned out to be doozies. Now because they are so nice and obviously care about us, we’re in jail!!.
‘it’s worse than that FT, that guy across the way is staring at us……’
I looked up and couldn’t believe it. It was @YoorWullie one of #TeamTartan, locked up in the cell opposite.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Och, they nicked me for boring a woman to death in Princess St on the idiosyncrasies of farming in the Byzantine Empire 765 to 1204AD, did i ever tell you that the Byzantine peasants were reliant upon land holdings in return for military service……’ It was going to be a long night’

FT’s Tartan Diaries Episode 4 THE INTERROGATION

‘Look at her man, she’s only 8yrs old, how could someone so small and angelic be running a global comic subscription scam from her bedroom. Are you Scots all crazy!!!
The detectives all looked at each other……
‘I mean, I know there’s a humming noise from her room, our electricity bills are unbelievable, and, Gigi receives an inordinate amount of mail everyday from all over the globe, but she’s just normal like any other junior school kid, well….there was the scary Halloween thing, and she can eat several giant chocolate doughnuts at once….oh
and, she has her own helicopter…..and…..she does…..control a network of satellites…….but only
to monitor melting artic ice melting…isn’t that right Gigi….?………………….Gigi???
Dad wasn’t really doing the best job of Defence Counsellor I’d ever seen. In fact, at this rate Gigi was going to get 10yrs…..I had to do something….
‘It’s me…..it’s me who’s running the whole thing……it’s not Gi….’
‘FT…. WHAT ARE YOU DOING……..?’ Dads eyes were bulging again. I hated it when they did
Then Gigi banged the table….’Enough!…..give me a goddam phone’
Twenty minutes later, after a gushing apology from the police, we were walking down the Royal Mile. I couldn’t believe it. One phone call, wooomph, out we walked.
‘Woah, what just happened there…..How did you do get us out Gigi?’
‘Look, I know people, called in a few favours, u know……let’s find those #TeamTartan doozies before they get us all locked up for good……’

FT’s Tartan Diaries Episode 5

After our sojourn with the Scottish ‘polis’, we were finally back at our Edinbro apartment. Dad, was making yet another chicken dish, Mom was looking up our family lineage and birth certificates, apparently, ‘just in case there’d been a mistake’. In the meantime, Gigi was playing at gagging back Dave’s broadband speed via her satellites, apparently ‘just because she could’. It was great to get back to ‘normal’. I decided to call the police station and find out what had happened to @YoorWullie……….
‘What!…Dad, some people with posh English accents turned up and they’ve taken YoorWullie to………..Edinbro Castle!!!…..what if they find out what he REALLY thinks, god knows what they’ll do to him…… Well maybe he doesn’t know, but I can think of a few things they might…we have to go rescue him!’
Before he could answer yay or nay, Gigi and I were on our way. 30 minutes later we were standing near the gates of the castle.
‘Ok Gigi, two guards, you know the drill……’
Gigi, wandered up to the guards and smiled her best innocent smile….
‘Would it be awfully big of me to ask to see the Queen?’
‘I don’t think so young lady’
‘Its a no, so if you could run along now, there’s a good girl’
Nobody called Gigi ‘a good girl’. Using her newly won brown belt judo skills, she took one out with a chop to the neck , the other with a drop kick. We were in…….

Episode 6 The Rescue of YoorWullie

Once inside Edinbro Castle, we knew, if we were to save YoorWullie, we had to move fast. Rushing up the esplanade, we could see the Royal Palace off to the left. Did you know this spot had been occupied by some sort of fortification since the Iron Age. I mean, IRON AGE……I’m American, when the hell was that??? It was David the 1st who built a castle in the 12th Century. It’s been bashed, built, boshed and built again…….but hey, I digress, we had to save YoorWullie…….
‘ok Gigi where does the Satellite say he is?’
‘3rd floor up, second room from the right’
There was no unlocked way in, we’d never save him on our own. Then it dawned on me. Stoker of the Dean aka @DeanStoker….. He could climb mountains……
‘Gigi, tweet Stoker of the Dean and tell him to bring his climbing gear….pronto printo’
We hid in a dark close and ate donuts for a while. It was just like old times for Gigi and I, as Dad used to put us in the cupboard when we were badasses. Eventually Stoker of the Dean arrived. He was just like I’d imagined. Wearing purple and covered in crampons. We had no time for chit chat. Within minutes we’d climbed up to the window.
Once we’d adjusted our eyes, the sight that met us was a bit surreal, even for an American. There was YoorWullie, kilt n’ all, tied to a table. In the background an older chap with a big nose and big ears was slumped over the table as was an old woman wearing a tiara, in a chair behind them, both fast asleep. Gigi safely karate chopped the window and we were in…..
‘so, once ye have yer troot in view, yeh have to take yer time, one splash and it’ll be away….take yer hands and slowly move them under the troot…..’
Yoor Wullie was teaching the fine art of guddling trout and he’d put them to sleep. What a weapon, what a man. πŸ˜€
‘Yoor Wullie, shut up just for a minute, Stoker of the Dean, Gigi and I are here to save you’
‘I telt them they’d never beat me. That old dear was purring at me and mumbling aboot how people like me were rooinit for her and her like. I telt her she was 45% wrang….. And that she’d maybe taken ma dignity but she’d never tak ma freedom……’
…and with that we released YoorWullie, who turned and left two bananas and a copy of the 1320 Declaration of Arbroath, for his captors.
We absailed down the castle walls, and, after Gigi dealt with a couple of more SAS guards, we were on our way to YoorWullie and Stoker of the Deans favourite restaurant, for a Big Mac with fries.

it was only Day 2 of our tartan adventure. I was beginning to like this place and we’d only met two fifths of #teamtartan. What could possibly happen next……..

FT’s Tartan Diaries was brought to you by Dodo Productions and The History Twins – if you liked it spread the word and don’t forget to visit thehistorytwins.wordpress.com 2014

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