My meanderings on Twitter, under the pseudonym @qosfc1919 over the last year and a bit, have led me along various back garden standard 2 x 2 flagstone paths. I’ve enjoyed every bit of it. Yesterday the lovely @GillWru MBE asked if I had some tips for carving the Xmas Turkey….. How could I resist…..

Daves Xmas tips for carving the Turkey

Before even attempting to carve a turkey you must check or ensure you’ve done the following….

You remembered to pick the turkey up from M&S
You remembered to take it out of the freezer
You actually did put it in the oven
The oven is ON
Don’t drink copious amounts of vino collapso while it’s cooking
Arrange to buy a dog or a cat to blame if everything goes pants up

If you find it’s still frozen, DON’T CARVE THE TURKEY, it’ll only skite off the table and onto Gran’s lap. Then, blame the cat for everything, and serve hastily arranged salmon sandwiches and ale.
If you haven’t got a cat, beg, borrow or steal one.

If you find the turkey is burnt to a crisp, DON’T CARVE THE TURKEY, it’ll only disintegrate, explode and cover everyone at the table in sooty turkey deposits, including Gran. You may be able to blame the electricity board, or the oven manufacturers for this one, but, if you have a dog, then blame it for adjusting the timer on the cooker.

If the turkey is cooked perfectly, then pat yourself on the back ( not with the turkey you fool ! )
Ensure all animals are safely tied up during this stage. The next bit is very tricky, so be ultra careful. Get a very sharp carving knife and cut the turkey into slices, remembering to give Uncle George a breast. If you HAVE had copious amounts of vino perpendiculo by this stage, it’s best to get someone else to do it……..or the cat ☺️

If, as you’re conveying the beautifully carved turkey to the table, you trip over the cat, covering Gran in beautifully carved turkey, curse loudly several times, and return to the ‘hastily serve salmon sandwiches’ bit as described above.

If not, YOU’VE DONE IT. WELL DONE YOU (despite yourself 😉 ) Serve, with copious amounts of fizzy, Mojitos and mulled wine (ok ditch the mulled wine, it’s overrated 🙂 )

Carving the Cristmas Turkey from #davesXmasTips was brought to you by Dodo Productions and @qosfc1919 © 2014