The Scotsmonauts

Irn-Bru One to Bucky Central…….We are ready for lift off……….’


‘Leith Docks Central to Clerk-Maxwell One – acknowledged’

The Head of the Scottish Space Centre, Simon Quirker, turned to his second in command……

‘The whole worlds watching and those bampots are calling us Bucky Central………….Christ!’

…….And so it began…..Scotland’s first venture into space. As Scotland tried to flex its muscles on the world stage, it had put together it’s first manned mission to Mars. This was a big jump from building a bridge across the Forth or two metal horses heads just outside Falkirk. Five Scotsmonauts drawn from ordinary life, chosen to represent the nation who had invented everything from the television, the telephone and banter. The most dangerous project any Scot had ever taken since the attempt to get cash off an Aberdonian ☺️

Two years earlier………Drumchapel Boxing Club…….

‘Hey Tam…..come and see the news……’

Tiger Tam, as he was known at the boxing club, was in deep concentration as he sparred with Mad Dog Mulhearn.

‘Tam, this is right up yer street. Yiv got tae see this’

Tam turned towards the television, only to be caught by a right upper cut from Mad Dog. Now……there was one thing you shouldn’t do to Tam…….and that was catch him with a right upper cut when he was least expecting it. However, even in a million years, the entire Drumchapel Boxing Club didn’t anticipate what would happen next. Without turning green, Tam launched a Hulk-like power-ower strike which made Mad Dog believe he could fly, mainly because he was indeed flying towards the first row of seats beyond the ring.

You know when you get those awkward silences when no one knows quite what to do or say. Well, that unplanned plan had now been implemented. Mad Dog 🐶 groaned, completely unaware the owner of Drumchapel Boxing club would approach him later, looking for some green like, to pay for the broken chairs he’d deciphered, after elegantly breaking the laws of physics on the way to the ground.

‘My God Tam, where did THAT come from…….?’ asked his coach.

Tam was already scrambling over the ropes to check his sparring partner was okay. By the time he arrived in Row Z, Mad Dog was stirring.

‘Jeezo, ya bampot, what the feck was that?’

‘Tam and Mad Dog’ drawing by Tommi Veijalainen from Lahti, Finland

‘Sorry Mad Dog, ah’m no share where that came from. Are ye ok?’

‘Aye, ah’m fine. Never flown through the air before withoot four engines and a beer.

Tam, having surprised even himself with his sudden superman powers, turned to Wally, his Coach.

‘What were he trying to show me?’

‘it’s on the telly son……on the news, you know how you’ve always wanted to be an astronaut……. Well, guess what’

Tam turned towards the tv on the wall – their was the First Minister for Scotland’

‘Today is a proud moment for a nation with a strong history of engineering and invention. The culmination of many years of preparation and perspiration has led to this day. Today, people of Scotland, we are announcing our entry into space. We are looking for thirty Scots from all walks of life to train over the next year. The finest six will be chosen to pilot the first ever Scottish spaceflight to Mars. Our ship will be named after James Clerk-Maxwell, one of the finest physicists the world has ever produced. It will be the most dangerous journey any Scot has ever undertaken. There are always technological challenges with new frontiers but. Scotland used to lead the world in science. We now have the chance to do so once more. I’ll now pass you over to Simon Quirker, who will lead the project……’

‘There you go Tam. You’ve droned on for years about wanting to be an astronaut. Here’s your chance’

Tam stared at the screen. The boys from the Boxing Club were right. From a tiny age Tam had covered the walls of his room with space pictures, watched every science fiction film ever made, including the latest Star Wars film, Episode CXXII, The Children of Mandelorian. Could he really be about to fulfil his life long ambition’

Mad Dog, who was still smarting from being rocketed across the room quipped…

‘Ah widnae get too excited Tam. I don’t think their looking for someone with only an O level in woodwork’

Tam remembered the day he won the woodwork prize at school. The local press had come in to the school to photograph all the prizewinners. The headmaster had come in to the gymnasium where the photoshoot was to take place. He walked over to Tam.

‘Thomas….what’s that?’

‘It’s mah prize Sir’

The Head looked at the tiny book in Tam’s hand

‘We can’t have that!!’

Five minutes later a teacher arrived and handed Tam a pile of books from the library.

Once the photoshoot was over they took all the books back off him and left him with his single tiny book ‘the ladybird book of space’

He punched Mad Dog back over the ropes again and walked out……

To be continued………

The Scotsmonauts was brought to you by Dodo Productions ©️ 2020 and @qosfc1919 on Twitter . The drawing of Tam and Mad Dog was kindly drawn especially for this blog story by Tommi Veijalainen – follow him on Twitter @itsetommi

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