Roman Fort Lugulovia just off the M6 nr Carlisle……..

‘So, you, Tirious Fearsus, a trained Roman centurion were on a scouting mission, fully armed and ready to die for the glory of the Roman Empire, when, and i quote, ‘a howling noise came from within the forest, something large and scary knocked me off my horse into some mud. At which point, i was covered in manure and chased out of the forest running for my life on foot, by giant monsters with scary teeth’?

‘Yes, more or less. There were some other noises and wailing like i’ve never heard before………and….an….and…..I’m SURE I SAW A DEVIL!’

‘A Devil?’

‘YES, it had glowing eyes of fire, 60 feet in the air’

You could sense a slight *feariness arising in the other fully trained and armed Roman centurions in the room.

*feariness – to be feart and then some…. 🙂

‘There are no such thing as devils and ghouls. It sounds like something fell off a tree causing you to fall into a stinking bog, you scared some animals and ran like a small boy who’d seen a scary thing at the bottom of his bed’

*chortling from around the room*

‘I’M TELLING THE TRUTH!’

‘Well, next time you’ll have some company to help you’

‘Next time!……what ‘next time’ ?……I’m not going back there…..never ever ever……over my dead body…….

2 Days later…….

The others continued to scowl at Tirious Fearsus. Thanks to him they found themselves riding north in the pouring rain, potentially towards 60 feet devils with burning eyes and god knows what other scaredy maredy items. Even worse than that was the fact Claudius Nimbus had prevented them from taking any wine with them, for fear it was that which had caused Tirious to ‘see things’.

‘Look, it’s not my fault. I DID see those things but no one believes me. All we need to do is pretend to go up there, have a few days camping in a nice spot, go back, say we saw nothing, and let the foggy General decide plan B’

‘There’s six of us this time, not one inappropriately named wimpy centurion. If we return without engaging what, if anything, is up there, we’ll only get sent out again and again until we find something. We’re armed to the teeth, armour plated, golden helmeted, CENTURIONS OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE! LET US CONQUER THIS COUNTRY AND BE NAMED AS HEROES!’

Tirious groaned, there was always one prat in a group and Lactos Tolrant was he. Tirious was sure he’d be the first to run when he saw those burning eyes staring at him. Plonker!

Meanwhile, up the road a bit and to the left in a forest……

‘Esh, you have to put this on. If they see you, it’ll give the game away. Then they’ll know there are humans here, more golden helmets will come and we will be……..well……you know’

‘But I’m going to look silly in it. Like a cross between a scary bear and a bush’

‘You’re supposed to be a scary fire sprite’

‘Fire sprite? ….but where’s the fire bit?’

‘Ah yes…..well, just before you run across the trail, we set fire to the back of your costume, you scream a lot and jump into the hidden burn’

‘Set fire to me!!’

Well, you did want to be a warrior…… anyway, the *dreachan we’ll put on burns brightly,but you won’t, we’ve tried it loads of times. I wouldn’t put you in danger little brother. I love you too much to do that.

*dreachan – an oily substance which burns brightly but does not burn peeps and has been wholly made up by me for the purposes of this story 🙂 if you have any oily substances at
home and have some Romans you want scaring, i would recommend just phoning 999 (or if u live in America 911 🙂 )

”Ok. Arla, Esh…..get the others….we’ll rehearse the whole thing. We must be prepared. The Golden Ones will return soon and there will be more of them’

‘What about Dad and the Elders? We have to tell them we’ve seen one of them’

‘I agree Esh, we will tell them at some point. However, if we can scare them off for a while, rather than fight them, they might just leave this area alone and we can live in peace. In the meantime, Lyan and Raich are keeping look out at Arnochan. They will give us a days notice of the Golden Ones return. They also have some surprises for our friends. It’s only 50 miles from the fort, riding fast they can be here in 2 days. We must be vigilant.’

As Tirious and Lactos’s group continued in the pouring rain, riding fast wasn’t high on their agenda.
The thought of taking an age to pitch their tents on some sodden patch of ghoul laden foreign land, versus a night in a warm bed in a safe Roman fort was looking a sorrier option by the minute.

‘It’s getting dark. We should stop here. There is running water and some nice grass’

Tirious thought it looked boggy, wasn’t high enough compared to their surroundings, but, he was too tired to argue, so, he nodded in a tired non argumentative way and dismounted.

Lyan and Raich watched the arrival of the Romans from the tree house. The strange glass Pell had given them allowed them to watch from quite far away. They immediately let off the carrier pigeon warning Pell of their arrival. Now the fun could start……….

As usual Tirious was left on first guard duty. All the others could snuggle down, while he sat outside, damp dreary and dismal. An owl hooted and, in the distance, he thought he heard something growling. He shook himself. After his nightmare in the forest he was completely paranoid about any noise, creak or scary burning eyes 60 foot in the air. As that little thought process went through his brain, he saw them. He blinked……..he blinked again……..he blinked so much, he was almost about to invent a new national sport, when he realised what it was. Two burning eyes, 60 feet in the air. As blinking wasn’t working, this time he rubbed his eyes. The burning eyes had disappeared. He was tired and obviously starting to hallucinate. He was just about to sit down and ‘guard’ when he saw them again. This time they were much closer and 100 yards over to the tight. As another pair of burning eyes lit up, this time to the left, the fearless Tirious was up and running towards his tent. He was just about there when he heard the noise. He stopped in his tracks. He looked behind him. There were burning eyes popping up everywhere, he turned back towards his tent which promptly disappeared under the thing that had made the sound,. He watched in firelight, as a huge ball of fiery rock not only took his tent out but was heading for Lactos Tolrants tent. Although he couldn’t stand him, he didn’t want to be left alone. He also didn’t want to picture himself explaining why the others got squashed flat.

‘LACTOS! RUN…….RUN!’

Then the wailing started……. ‘waaaaaiiiilllllllll……..waaaillllll……..oooooohhhhhhh…….waaaaiiiiiiilllll’

That was it. Tirious Fearsus ran. He ran faster than he’d ever ran. Unfortunately, he’d been right earlier when he thought the ground looked boggy. As he began to sink, he tried to turn to warn the now scareder than scared Lactos and the others. Too late. The whole squad of Roman Legionnaires were now stuck in a bog, surrounded by 60 foot high in the sky fiery eyes, two tents flattened by a huge fireball and……a bear……. (ooh have i not mentioned the bear – that’s because Tirious hadn’t seen it yet)

‘Oh Caesar’s Aunt!’

‘WHAT IS IT TIRIOUS!?’

‘We are sooooooo dead’

The bear stood up and roared. The only thing stopping it from eating the now petrified Romans was the fact it wasn’t stupid enough to get stuck in a bog. If that wasn’t enough fireballs rained from the sky landing yards away from them. Lactos screamed. As his scream faded it was replaced by the screams of the five others.

‘I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! DEMONS, FIRE AND MONSTERS! THAT’S IT I QUIT!’

‘What a great time to quit. Stuck in mud up to our bottoms…..trapped by a bear, fireballs and 60 foot demons….great call’

‘WELL. I’M QUITTING WHEN WE GET HOME!’

Lyan and Raich watched the whole farce from the treehouse. The fiery eyes had been genius, as had the fiery boulders and the fiery fireballs. The bear……well, that had just been pure luck. Where that had come from they had no idea.

‘Job done i think Lyan…….Let’s go home……’

As dawn arrived, the six legionnaires stared at the bear and the bear stared at the Legionnaires, it was going to be a long day……. 🙂

‘Pell Of The Selgovae – The Romans Strike Back’ was brought to you by David Linden. Follow me on Twitter @qosfc1919 © Dodo Productions 2015