Somewhere near Holyrood…………..

‘Nicola, is it ok if ah have ma cup of tea now?’

‘Nope’

‘Oh, Nicky, Nackie, Nookie, Noo nooz. C’mon, just a cup of tea……’

‘You know fine Alex. You have your cup of tea at 3pm. Not a minute before, not a minute after’

‘Alright, alright, so can a put ma independence tartan slippers oan?’

‘NO, you cannot! You know it would be bad luck to wear them before we actually are an independent Scottish nation. Plus remember, David Cameron has asked you to call him at 2:30 which is in 5 minutes. I hope you’ve prepared everything as planned?’

‘Posh, arrogant b……..’

‘What did you say?’

‘Nothing, NIcky nooz, I feel uncomfortable recording the call without him knowing’

‘Don’t be daft, I had security check this room this morning. There were MI6 bugs everywhere. He’ll be recording every word you say, so remember, stick to what we discussed. Ok. All we need is him to admit why he won’t have a debate with you, We release the recording to the media, and, wham bam thank you Mam, we win the referendum’

‘I think I’ve lost his number…….’

‘Oh for god sake. I should have known. After all, you’re a man, and a man at that, who can’t even unfurl a saltire flag properly, whilst watching a game of tennis! Multitasking my bottom. Here’s the number here. Dial it, and I’ll switch on the recording equipment .  Just remember to put it on loudspeaker. The destiny of Scotland depends on what you say over the next 5 minutes…’

‘Whits all these leaflets aboot Botox on this chair?’

‘GIVE Me that, that’s nothing to do with you. Just get that number dialled!

‘Its ringing……’

‘Hello, you are through to the Prime Ministers personal number……….

……..if it’s Queenie…..Press 1…..I will be round immediately ma’am…..

……..if it’s President Obama…..Press 2…..thank you Mr President…..

……..if it’s Chancellor Merkel….press 3…..

………if it’s any mad despot from Russia or North Korea……please text #WETFISH

……..if it’s Nick Clegg, please discuss a potential booking with my secretary…….

……..if it’s anyone from Scottieland…….’

‘Its Us it’s us!!’

‘………please Press Zero’

‘Ok press it press it…….’

‘Give mi a chance wummin…………..ok it’s ringing……..’

‘Hello, Farage speaking……………hello……….is anyone there?……….Hello?…..’

‘he’s done it again the……….’