Mad Malkie meets Tom Hanks at the #TAFTAS

MadMalkie came too, soon becoming aware he was no longer in the Village Hall. In fact he was somewhere warm and damp. As his brain cells started to send some synaptically challenged signals to each other, the smell entered his nostrils, taking a few seconds to reach his ‘blimey that don’t smell good’ section of his brain. Suddenly he was blinded by a torch shining in his face.

“Ok Sir, if you just come with us. We’d like to ask you a few questions’

MadMalkie wasn’t sure who was behind the torch. Was he being abducted by aliens? Or, was it the guy from the pub who he’d borrowed a fiver off the other night and forgotten to pay back. Either way, it didn’t sound good.
As he was helped down, he could see his ‘helper’ was a policeman and not a 6 armed slimy alien with big teeth. He breathed a slight sigh of relief as he was escorted to the police car.

At the same time, Tom Hanks was being interviewed in his limousine in the Village Hall car park.

“Well, one minute I was announcing the winner, and the next, this guy in a Batman suit flies onto the stage on a zip wire and took me clean out”

“Had you met this individual before? Maybe he held a grudge against you?” The policeman was struggling to stifle a snigger.

“Are you serious? I only flew into Scotland 4hrs ago, was driven down here from Glasgow Airport and, the next minute I’m being attacked by Batman……which I might expect if I was in the middle of Gotham City, but not a tiny village in the middle of nowhere”

“Ok Mr Hanks, we’re just interviewing the individual in question. I take it you wish to press charges?”

“Hell yeah, I got knocked about less filming Saving Private Ryan and Captain Phillips for christsake. Let’s knock this critter out of the park”

In the meantime, Mad Malkie was being questioned in the back of a police van.

“Christ, what’s that smell”

“Sorry, I landed in a trailer of silage, it wisnae ma first choice”

“So, you dressed up in a Batman outfit, attached yourself to a zip wire and took out one of the most famous actors in the world, with both feet”

“Ah, ok it’s comin back to me now. I remember the guy on the stage. Did I hit him?”

“I’m afraid you did”

“Well, I didn’t mean it. Who the hell would want to hit Forest Gump?”

“Ok, maybe ah could talk tae him”

“Give me a minute, I’ll ask”

Two minutes later, the policeman returned.

‘Ok Batman. Mr Hanks will talk to you but only with one of our team in attendance. He’s after pressing charges for assault. You should see the keeker of an eye you’ve given him. Oh….and by the way you stink…….’

MadMalkie slithered out of the back seat of the police car. The policeman pointed to where Malkie could see a torch in the darkness. He headed over to hopefully tell Tom something which would make him change his mind.
As he made his way across the grass, in his, now very stained and smelly Batman outfit, he wondered where Fat Eck had disappeared to. His right hand, 23 stone, man, was always at his side in times of need, and boy, this was one of those. Having only recently got off with a warning for attempting to climb the Midsteeple in Dumfries while drunk, again, dressed as Batman, he certainly didn’t need to appear in court charged with assaulting the great Tom Hanks.
He could now see Tom in the torchlight and, he was sure once he reminded Tom of something, he would change his mind. As he reached Tom, Malkie held his palm out to shake his hand.

“Hi Tom, I’m really sor…….”

Just as he grasped Toms firm handshake, MadMalkie slipped pulling Tom with him. Suddenly, one of the great American actors of modern times and one of the maddest baddest ‘gang’ members this side of Mouswald, we’re rolling in unison down a grassy embankment. When they finally came to a halt, Malkie found himself lying on top of Tom. Even in the dim light, Malkie could sense Tom wasn’t best pleased.

‘Get off me man, you’re a jinx…….and a lunatic…..’

Malkie went to say sorry but thought better of it. He lifted his arm looking for something on the object that had stopped their fall, to pull himself up on. He latched on to something hard and metallic pulling himself upward. Suddenly the object gave way, causing Malkie to fall back towards Tom.

‘Right that’s it……’ Shouted Mr Hanks as he started to push Malkie off his chest.

They both heard the noise above them, and, as the rest of the silage from the trailer Malkie had landed in earlier, started to fall, they looked back at each other one more time before the whooshing noise started. It got worse as the policeman with the torch slipped as he tried to help landing a foot on Toms good eye.
Malkie heard Fat Ecks dulcet tones coming towards him. Next minute, he, Tom and the now silage covered policeman were on their feet.

‘Whit are ye daein ya bampot? Rollin aboot in this stuff…….liked the way ye bamped thoan Hanks felly oan the zip line ….absolute comedy genius….’

‘Eh, Eck, shut it mun, I’m in enough trouble, that’s Mr Hanks right behind you’

Fat Eck turned around. He switched on the torch he’d found lying on the grass. There in front of him was a grimy faced, smelly person with, what looked like, the early symptoms of two black eyes.

‘You guys are just imbeciles…..this place is crazy, never in my life……’

Suddenly Toms voice tailed off.

‘Don’t I recognise you from somewhere?’ He said looking at Fat Eck

“Aye, Tommy, dae ye remember gan tae thoan chip shop in Anstruther”

“Aye……I mean, yeah……I do”

“Di ye remember being embarrassed as ye had nae cash and havin tae borrow money tae buy that fish supper?”

“Aye……I mean……yes…..that’s it, it was you who gave me the money, and left yourself with not enough to pay for your own……Anstruther, 2007 wasn’t it?’

“Yep. Tommy Boy, that wuz me”

‘Hey, I’ve never forgotten that. It was such a nice thing to do.

MadMalkie stood jaw dropped in full jaw dropping mode. Fat Eck had never mentioned ever meeting Tom Hanks, ever!

‘You know this clown?’ said Tom, pointing at Malkie.

‘Aye, that’s ma best pal, Malkie, he likes dressing up as Batman’

‘Well, it’s a good job you turned up to save his ass. I was just about to sue his backside. We’ll call it quits as long as you keep Malkie here, as far from America and me, for as long as is humanly possible, it’s been a blast guys…….a real blast’

…..and with that, Tom headed back to his limousine, and disappeared into the darkness of the Scottish night.

Malkie put his arm nearly round Fat Eck ‘ you are full of surprises ya big beauty, gimme a kiss’

‘Get off me ya bampot, let’s get back tae the hall, there’s Yaks, Dodos , a Wet Fish, thoan Tunnel folk, it’s buzzing…….’


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