The Arkadia 2 sat in the Perinski nebulae with a rather irate Captain Crane on the bridge.
āLook, you lot! You may think to land on the wrong planet ājust for a bit of funā hilariously funny, but to do it twice in a week is just being really rotten.
*sniggers from the crew*
āI know weāre here to āboldly go where no man has gone beforeā, never mind some Vorisians, but, we have a mission. This is seriously serious stuffā¦ā¦..ā
*more sniggers from the crew*
āIām not sure youāre taking this seriously. Whoever, swapped StarMap version 3.6 to the power 83 for version 2 running on Windows 3.1, is in need of serious helpā
*guffaws*
āLaugh as you may. As of now, Iām appointing Bloorp as second in command and Medical Chief, Exar as head of weapons and strategy, and Alien Xarth as Navigatorā
*gasps*
āYesā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.indeedyā¦ā¦.weāre not laughing as much now, are we?ā
āCaptain Crane, we are within 500 parsecks of Taupuā
āThank you Xarth. Put us into orbit, hope weāre in the right place this time, scan the surface as best we can, and land hopefully on a planet littered with tropical islands, white beaches and inhabitants worthy of being interviewed for a new crewā
*crew mutters*
āBloorp, Exarā¦ā¦my quarters in 5 minutesā
A few UniFolds* away
*UniFold ā along with a note apologising for the Big Bang, space explorers had found instructions on dark matter and folding space. This enabled modern ships (or in Craneās case modernāishā ) to travel quickly through space and, for me, the author of this nonsense, to get Crane to some planets quickly enough before he died of old age.
āGet this ship ready!! NOW!! or iāll have you all court martialled. Crane could ruin everything. We have to find himā¦ā¦ā¦andā¦ā¦if needs mustā¦ā¦..ā
āYes Commodore Higgins. The only thing Iād like to mention is the Vexus has never been tested. The blueprint you gave us was way beyond anything weād worked with before. Itās taken our scientists and engineers ten years to get to this stage. We expected to start trials in a years time, not this weekendā
āGet the Vexus flightworthy. Iāll get some help to speed things up ā you just make it happenā¦ā¦or Iāll find someone who CAN make it happenā¦.understood?ā
āYes Commodore.ā
Commodore Higgins turned to look out at the Atlantic Spaceport. Heād underestimated Crane and those pesky Vorisians. The task had seemed simple. Crane would be given a crew so useless, theyād be lucky to fly a kite, never mind Arkadia 2. However, once the āmuteā aliens had started speaking and giving Crane help, theyād managed to do the impossible and get the rustbucket ready. The task then looked simple. Set up an innocent meeting, kill Crane using the āwellā¦ā¦the Armataks did itā¦ā¦routine, retrieve Craneās fathers glix** from onboard and carry on with the plan. If, by chance, Crane discovered the hidden material on the glix, he might discover the truth. Although the chance was minute, Higgins could not risk it. He would find Crane, and, just like heād done to his father, kill himā¦ā¦
**Glix ā a one molecule thick material, produced at vast pressures and temperatures, which , even at room temperature, could hold vast amounts of information. Normally held within a magnetic field, if the owner decided to āhideā their glix, the only way to find them was using a glix scanner, which was really just an adapted Google Nexus 8500 with a pointy thing on the end.
Arkadia 2 hung in orbit around the planet Taupu. Crane, wasnāt sure what had drawn him to land here. There were other Earth like planets nearby but, for some strange reason, this particular one had drawn him in like an Astarian Sucker plant**.
**Astarian Sucker plant ā an innocuous looking plant like a large daisy, which could suddenly open up, swallow a person whole, dissolve him or her and regurgitate them as a 5cm block of carbon.
āThere are some areas we canāt scan properly, however, itās atmosphere is much like Earth. There, do appear to be structures, therefore, signs of life. No major cities or indications of technology thoughā
āThanks Bloorp. Ok Xarth, take us down to that large green area over there. Green, usually means niceā
ā¦ā¦..and with that scientific based logicā¦..Xarth fired up the drives and aimed Arkadia 2 towards the āgreen areaā.
An hour later Arkadia 2 lay in a flat open area in the middle of a lush colourful mismash of giant plants, flowers and forest.
āExar, Bloorp, Fittipaldi, Mansell and Buttonā¦.meet at the airlock. Weāll have a look round, see if we can find anything interesting, some fresh supplies of anything edible and hopefully, some Neutronium**
It did strike Crane for the first time that his crew all seemed to be named after formula one drivers from the 20th Century racing drivers. He dismissed his daft notion.
**Neutronium ā elementally sounding material needed for the Treon engines of Arkadia
The airlock door creaked its way open, and, as was normal with the bits of the Arkadia 2 that Bloorp and Co hadnāt had time to fix yet, it stuck half way. They squeezed out into bright sunshine. Crane sucked in the fresh air. Wow. There was nothing like a bit of nitrogen and oxygen on a sunny day, even if it was quite a few light years away from home.
None of it was visible, but there was certainly some wildlife nearby. Crane could hear chittering, chattering and clicking from all around them. He was glad Bloorp and Exar were with them. It had suddenly dawned on him he was no longer in the predictable safe world of Earth. This was new, the unknown, an adventure. Every time fear started crawling out of the metalwork, he thought of his father, in whoās footsteps he was following. Heād ventured into space with much poorer technology than his son found himself with, and, to his knowledge, heād never been scared once.
āCaptain Crane, there is a life sign 2 clicks aheadā
āThank you Bloorp. Ok. Weapons at the ready just in caseā¦..letās have a lookā
Although āarmed to the teethā would be an over exaggeration, this mini squad from Arkadia 2 had enough firepower to deal with most known beasties in the galaxy. However, to Craneās knowledge no human had set foot on this planet. His grip on the Harkness 4 Black Hole Transformer** tightened.
**Harkness 4 Black Hole Transformer ā weapon invented by Davie Harkness in a small scottish laboratory. A scientist whoād been working on trying to record the sounds midges make when biting humans using lasers and a table top version of the Google Hadron collider when a tiny black hole formed and took the top of his left pinkie. Now refined, the Harkness 4 scanned its target, opened up a black hole large enough to suck the said target through, transferring them through time and space to a car park just outside Sainsburyās in Leamington Spa.
Not surprisingly, the three aptly named crew members were up front in pole position, pushing their way through the multicoloured lush foliage.
āArrrghhhh!ā
Crane jolted and gave one of those startled bug eyed looks when something you didnāt expect to happen, happened. Fittipaldi was now no longer attached by gravity to the ground. He was now dangling some 20 feet up in the air with a green vine coiled around his left ankle and another green vine heading for his right arm.
āHeeeellllp me!ā
In less time than it takes a Mercean Marauder to maraud, Exar had sliced the plants tendrils, albeit forgetting to think about the gravitational consequences of Fittipaldi not been attached to an alien plants tendril.
Boomphā¦! Our little Italian joker wasnāt laughing now as he came to a crunching landing on the ground. However, at least he hadnāt been dragged off to tendril hell to discover what ever the scary tendrils had had in mind for him. One thing was for sure. This beautiful looking planet had some surprises.
āOk mental note number one team. Anything bright red, that looks a bit tendrilly, steer clearā¦ā¦.orā¦ā¦ā¦.make sure itās Fittipaldi thatās nearest itā
Fittipaldi harrumphed, rubbing his now sore bottom.
The team pushed on, now more alert than a Thorean Nightbird at mating time.
āThere is an opening ahead Mr Crane. I believe our lifeform is to be found thereā
āOk, everyone quietā
They crept forward and peered through the undergrowth.
The sight that met them wasnāt on the top ten list of āthings the crew of the Arkadia 2 thought they would find when they peered through the undergrowthā
Sitting on its own was a bright yellow furry cuddly looking ball of eeksy weeksy cute joy eating what appeared to be coal. Oblivious to the voyeurs nearby, it happily munched away on its black rock equivalent of a Big Mac.
āwell, he doesnāt look dangerousā whispered Crane.
Then, out of the corner of his eye he spotted Button and Mansell heading towards it.
āWaitā¦.!ā
Craneās cry was too late. The cute little furball stopped and turned towards them. It threw the coal to the side, stood up and said āickleā. Then it screamed at the top of itās voice and ran like a blur towards the two stupidest crew members Crane had, apart from the rest of the stupid crew he aldo had.
Within seconds the yellow ball of cuteness, albeit with a blackened coaldusty face, reached Button. It was so quick you couldnāt quite make out where it was. One thing for sure it had already managed to bring Button to the ground, and who now appeared to beā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦laughing. In fact laughing hsyterically.
āWhatās going on Mansell?ā
āItāsā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.tickling him Captainā¦ā¦ā¦it appears to be ticking himā
āok pull it off him and letās get our little yellow chap under controlā
Mansell stepped forward to help Button.
āā¦ā¦..I canāt grab it, itās moving so fastā¦ā¦. at this rate Button will be tickled to death!ā
Crane, rolled his eyes. Their first encounter with an unknown species and it turns out to be a coal eating yellow furball of cuteness that tickles itās prey to death. Just as he was about to implement Plan B of the āRescue Jenson Button from a Tiny Furry Coal Eating Tickling Thingā, Crane heard a noiseā¦..
āICKLEā¦ā¦.ICKLE!ā
He turned away from the laughing carnage to his left, and looked round. There, in multi-coloured reality, were 20+ more of the little blighters. Looking like a tellytubby flashmob, they ran towards Carne and Co. Within seconds Crane had 3 of the little buggers around him. As long as they didnāt tickle him under his armpiā¦ā¦ā¦.
āHee, heee, hooooo, nnooooo, NOOOOooooooooo, hee, ha STOP it, STOP it, heeā¦ā¦ā¦.ā
tellytubby flashmob
Crane writhed on the ground in a ball of wriggling laughter. It wasnāt long before heād reached that stage where it moves from being just funny ha ha tickling to not being able to breathe properly and getting just a teensy weensy bit bloody annoying. If heād been able to look round, heād have seen, Button, Fittipaldi and Mansell all in a similar position to himself. However, Bloorp, despite having several Ticklers around him, appeared immune and slight embarrassed
by the whole escapade. Exar, likewise, floated above the scene unable to obtain a clear shot to rescue his human friends.
Bloorp, for once was stumped. Despite being able to recite Pi to 40,000 decimal places, he was struggling to work out how to stop tiny multicoloured furballs tickling four humans to death right in front of his viewer. He was just about to take a gamble and shoot at Button when he heard an almighty roar.
āRooaaaaaaaaaaghhhhh!ā
Suddenly the Ticklers stopped tickling. They froze like cute cuddly things playing statues. Everyone looked towards the noise. Then the ground shook followed by another blood curdling roar. As a 100 foot pink plant that sort of looked like a tree but wasnāt, crashed to the ground, the source of all the roaring, stomping and plant throwing became clear. Now standing on main stage as the main act of the eventful afternoon was something very very large, like a giant hairy bullā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦with SNARLING TEETH!
āRUN!!ā
Even Bloorp wished heād worn his Nike trainers as, Ticklers, humans and Vorisians about heeled and fled. Crane blundered through the undergrowth like Usain Bolt wearing lead lined trainers. He kept himself going with the thought that he was certainly faster than the slightly rotund Button. He would certainly be the first to be caught and eaten in a Button-like smorgasbord frenzy.
The Arkadia 2 had just come into view. He could see Exar, Bloorp and the Ticklers up ahead. He had just clocked Fittipaldi and Mansell to his right when he heard Button scream. Crane stopped and turned. The āRazorBullā as Crane had just nicknamed it, had caught up with Jenson Button and was now drooling above him. Crane, watched as Bloorp and the Tellytubby flashmob entered the airlock of Arkadia 2. He turned back. He was the Captain. Right enough, the captain of the worst crew in the galaxy, but he was still their captain. He was also his fatherās son. If one of his crew was going to die, he wouldnāt die with nobody there to save him. Crane started running.
āHey, HEYā¦..HEYā¦ā¦.ā
Crane had started the attempted rescue by using a plan heād seen in many a film, where the hero distracts the monster by shouting āHEYā and waving his arms about. Shaking, he took his Harkness 4 Black Hole Transformer from his belt and aimed it at the RazorBull. He was about to pull the trigger when it dawned on him Button was so close to the drooling razor sharp teeth baring snarling maniac, he might end up sending him to the Tescos car park in Leamington Spa as well. A fate he could not gift to anyone lightly. Instead, he took his Berit laser gun from his hip pocket, shot the RazorBull in the bottom and ran. Unfortunately, his plan worked. The RazorBull lost interest in the Button appetiser, and was now after the main course. Crane a lāorange.
He knew he wasnāt going to lose it, but, running in a straight line seemed to be the only obvious plan open a this particular moment in time. If he could get it a reasonable distance away he might get another chance to use the Harkness 4 and Leamington Spa, here it would come. That reasonably lovely thought was still with him when the ground gave way beneath his feet. He rolled, tumbled and rolled some more. It was as he was rolling and tumbling he heard the sound. Drowning out the sound of the ponderous RazorBull clinking itās knife and fork, was the sound ofā¦ā¦waterā¦ā¦roaring water. Crane grabbed the blue stem of a large yellow
flower. He had no time to dwell on its beauty, nor the symmetry of itās bright red stamens. It broke in his hand. Now he and the large yellow flower with blue stem and beautiful stamens were sliding in symmetry towards their doom. (Well not the poor flower as Crane had already ruined its afternoon)
If Crane had been able to scan the situation from above, he would have known the Razorbull had stopped as it wasnāt stupid enough to tumble down a steep slope , fall off a 1000 feet cliff and drown in the tempest below. But he couldnāt and he didnāt. The RazorBull growled and smiled at the same time as Crane fell off the edge to his doomā¦ā¦ā¦as he fell, he remembered his fathers wordsā¦ā¦
āSaving yourself is easy, sacrificing yourself to save the life of another is the most difficult choice someone can makeā¦ā¦.he closed his eyesā¦..ā
āOne degree off and weāll hit the waterfall Bloorp!ā
āWe have no choiceā¦ā¦..programming is complete, wave your hand on the holokey NOW!ā
The Arkadia 2 sped across the water at lightning speed. Crane was an orange flashing dot on the the 3D holo viewer. Even Bloorp knew this would be close. As Crane continued to plummet he was blissfully unaware of the spaceship which was turning beneath him, that Exar and Xarth had opened a ducting chamber on the roof of the ship which Mr Tumpkins had filled with plant leaves to cushion his fall.
āNow, BRAKE AND TURN!ā
Arkadia 2 creaked and groaned as it was forced to do a manoeuvre which wasnāt on itās top ten list of manouveres it would have chosen to do that sunny afternoon.
Crane plunged through the hole at speed, got buffeted a few times, but eventually came to a halt surrounded by fluffy green leaves.
āWe have him! Brakes off, accelerate 45 degree lift NOW!ā
The Arkadia 2 graoned some more, narrowly missing the top of the waterfall to safety simultaneously unclenching some buttocks in the control room.
Jenson Button looked at John Crane in a new light. No longer was his main aim in life to play practical jokes on him day in day out. He had just saved his life.
āThank you Captain Craneā¦ā¦ā¦ what you did for me thereā¦ā¦ā¦Iāllā¦ā¦.Iāll never forget itā
āDonāt be silly, I would have never left youā¦ā¦after all. We have other worlds to see and get this lot back to Voris.ā
The crew cringed ever so slightly as Button stepped forward and hugged the Captain.
āAnyway, I need to thank all of you for risking your own lives to save me. What a brilliant manoeuvre! Bravo to you all!ā¦ā¦ā¦..between that RazorBull thing and those flipping Ticklers, what a start to our adventure!. I take it you managed to ditch our furball friends?ā
āNot quite Mr Crane. Iām afraid RedUrzuBird gave them coal flavoured ice cream to calm them down and now theyāre all in sick bay unwell ā On top of that, weāve located an electronic signal to the north of the planet which i think you should seeā¦..ā
āA signalā¦ā¦..what type of signal?ā
āExarās been working on decoding itā¦ā¦ā¦..I think heās ready to put it up on the holoviewerā
The green hue of the hologram lit the room. A shape formed then disappeared. When it re-appeared, Craneās jaw dropped. There, three feet away in front of him in 3D was his fatherā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.ā