The Last Christmas Present

‘The Last Christmas Present’ by David Linden

‘Ok that’s it my hard working Reindeer and Elves. One more house and one more present to deliver and, that’s it we can…….’

‘Eh, whit aboot me?’

‘Ah, of course, and last, but not least, you Mad Malkie. I’m glad you joined us again on the Scottish part of our journey. These Scottish town names drive me crazy every year. Ochtermuckity this and Gilliemewhit that. Without you, we’d still be stuck in Arbroath! I’m not sure I’ll ever understand, why you have to turn up, each year, dressed as Batman, but, hey ho, you are the most helpful human being I know. So thank you Mad Malkie, thank you. Now, let’s get this last present delivered and we can all go home and get Mojito’d. What’s the address?’

‘It says “LAST WEE HOOSE IN THE VILLAGE, Muchteruchty”

‘Thank you Mad Malkie, get the elves to get the presents out from the back of the sleigh, and let’s go. The reindeer are getting tired and peckish. You do NOT want to hear this lot when they get grumpy. ☺️ Tally ho Donner and company’

….and with that, the strange entourage of eight reindeer, Santa, four elves and Mad Malkie dressed as Batman, zoomed through the winters night in the direction of Muchteruchty.

Santa loved Scotland. No tanks, no guns, no mad Russian despots messing up his deliveries to Ukrainian children, no wars, no famine, no giant scary animals…… Well, apart from Nessie, she was as big as five houses, and, to the uninitiated, very scary looking, but, once you got to know her, she was as tame as a Scotsman with a whisky in his hand. They’d already dropped of Nessies Christmas present at Loch Ness, a new tartan bonnet, she’d be pleased with that. Santa looked down over the Cairngorms, glistening with snow in the moonlight, they were a beautiful sight. Even Mad Malkie, who wasn’t prone to being dewy eyed and soft, could feel the hairs rise on the back of his neck at such beaut…..’

‘Whit dae ye mean it’s no there. It must be. Ye know fine well every child’s present is locked in its own special space, and can’t be seen or unlocked without the child’s name, age and goodness record being read out by one of you, in elf language, while ye chuck thoan magic elf fairy dust stuff in the general direction of the back of the sleigh’

‘Well, you look Batman, because, even though I’ve read his name, age, address and goodness record, which is impeccable, in elf language, AND sprinkled ELF LIFE ESSENCE, OR ‘magic fairy dust’, as you call it, there’s nothing there. Not a jot, not a box, zippo nada, nothing, zilch, zero, nietski, nowt’

‘But that’s five years I’ve been helping you guys an ah’ve never seen this before. How can it happen?’

The smallest elf Bob stepped forward……. ‘It can only happen either because the boy or girl has been really bad since they sent their letter to Santa, orrrr, they’ve changed their mind big time about what they want for Xmas. If they DID change their mind it must have happened in the last few hours and we didn’t receive the message in time’

‘Richt u lot, I know I hid your sweeties and, I admit it, it was me who ate the chocolates but tell me this is not happening…..’

In unison the elves turned to Mad Malkie….. ‘It IS happening and since you ate the chocolates, YOU can tell Santa’. Then they folded their arms, scrunched up their faces and stared at him.
As the towering beauty of Ben Nevis lay below, Mad Malkie sheepished his way to the front of the sleigh. Santa was singing along to one of Abba’s greatest Hits, a present which Malkie had long since regretted giving him. ☺️

‘Er, Santa…..’

‘Waterloo…..I was defeated…you won the w……’

‘Yes Malkie….what can I do you for my little Scottish Batmobile…..’

Malkie wondered, given his lightness of tone, whether it was the thought of getting home that had cheered him up so much or whether the various ‘gifts’, in giant inverted commas, children had left for him, were taking their toll.

‘Captain, wi hae a problem……oops sorry, ah mean Santa, we have a problem’

‘A problem!’

‘Yes, the last present is supposed to be for 8yr old Jake who lives in the last wee hoose in Muchteruchty and…’s not there….’

‘Its not there……but that can only mean one of two things……let’s go……!!! ‘

The sleigh lurched forward, throwing Mad Malkie and the elves to the floor. Within minutes they were flying over Muchteruchty. There were only eleven houses, and apart from the odd Christmas tree light sparkling in the moonlight, all were in darkness.

‘That must be it there’ said Malkie, pointing to a cute little cottage at the far end of the village. They landed close by and disembarked. Malkie was glad the moonlight was so bright, as he was notorious for tripping over the elves in the dark. Soon they stood at a bedroom window where a little candlelight shone on the sill.

‘Can you see anything?’ Said Santa

‘Aye, ah think it must be wee Jakes room as there’s lots of toys and games lying on the floor. There’s no one in bed though.’

‘Right elves, do your stuff. Send him in, at least if he gets caught he’ll get off with community service. If we get caught, there’ll be no more Christmases – ho ho ho…..’

Malkie turned round to ask what they were going to do only to find himself standing beside Jakes bed.

‘Woah, what just did happen there?…. He looked outside……the little green bampots were giggling in a little circle….. Malkie would sort them out later…

Malkie wasn’t sure what he was supposed to look for. If Jake had been bad then he’d have been sent to bed without any supper. Where was he? He moved towards the bedside cabinet when he noticed a piece of paper on Jakes pillow…..he picked it up and moved to the candlelit window.

‘ Dear Santa

My name is Jake and I am 8 years old. I know I already sent u my letter asking for a PS4, Little Big Planet 3, a phone and a new football but, you see, my Mum is sick in hospital and I don’t want any of those presents anymore. I just want my Mum to be better for Christmas….
Thank you
8 yrs ‘

Mad Malkie sat on the bed. He didn’t cry as he was part of the maddest baddest gang this side of the village of Mouswald, so the stuff welling up his eyes must be just from the irritating candle smoke, yep, definitely that……..definitely.
He banged on the window, the Elves did their thing and within a second Malkie was outside again, standing in the snow.

‘Harrumph’ said Santa

‘Whats wrong’ asked Malkie

‘Well, you see, I’m great at getting presents like the ones on Jakes original list. But, this…… This, you see…..these things don’t always work out the way we want them to. This might not be the happiest Xmas for young Jake’

‘ but we MUST try something…….’ blurred Mad Malkie, who was now 100% sure, he was allergic to candle smoke.

‘We can but try. Let’s get ourselves over to the hospital and find out where they are’

They flew across the roof and treetops at the speed of……well the maximum speed possible in a sleigh containing 4 elves, a large Santa, a hairy arsed Scotsman dressed as Batman and a CD of Abba’s greatest hits…..

Arriving at the hospital, the sleigh ground to a halt in the car park, slid menacingly onwards and ended up in the bushes. It’d been a long night…….

‘Ok, the elves will go in, find out what’s happening, report back and we’ll take it from there…’

‘What about me?’ Said Malkie.

‘Well, we can pretend to be…….Santa and his elves…..which is quite appropriate………..because?…..’

‘You ARE Santa and his elves…..’ Replied a disconsolate Malkie

They disappeared, leaving Malkie in the bushes listening to Mamma Mia………

Just as Malkie was falling asleep to the special live bonus version of Dancing Queen, They returned to the bushes…..’


‘Its not good I’m afraid, Jake is sleeping in the room with his Dad and Mum. She is very ill and needs a blood transfusion to make her better.’

‘So they’re doing that then and she’ll be fine……that’s good news isn’t it….isn’t it!’

‘ unfortunately she has a rare blood type, which only 1 in 10 million people have, they don’t have any, can’t get any in time. By the time it gets here……’

‘Surely there’s some special powers you or the elves can muster to save her, after all you can make me disappear through walls and fly thousands of miles in a bloody Homebase special offer wooden sleigh…… must be something…….no?’

Malkie could feel the candle smoke affecting him again. Bloody candle smoke…… 😥

‘I wish I could Malkie, but even me, Santa can’t fix everything, if only it was possible I’d stop all the fighting, cheating, and hate in the world. I’d also fix Jakes mum. If I knew a way to find one of the 6 people that has blood type B theta delta +, I’d do it….. But I don’t’

Malkie pictured Jakes room with his teddy, his football posters and his star war……

‘Sorry, WHAT did u say, B Theta what?’

‘B Theta delta +’

‘….but…….that’s me, that’s ME, THATS WHAT I HAVE’

‘This is no time to joke Malkie, honestly, it’s a type that’s almost rarer than I am….’

‘Honestly, my mother says I am, always have been, and always will be….. WEIRD …. I Malkie, the leader of the maddest, baddest gang, this side of Mouswald, dressed here as Batman, do hereby declare I really do have B THETA DELTA BLOODY WELL PLUS’

‘Oh my word’……even Santa was lost for words….

‘Theres no time to waste, the elves can magic your blood to replace the type they’re giving her, after that, there nothing we can do…..I hope you’re right…..’

Malkie didn’t ask how they did it, but somehow the elves started doing the necessary and Malkie drifted off to sleep in the sleigh’

He awoke, freezing. Santa was gone as were the elves and sleigh. He stood, chittering and looked around. Not even a note, after all he’d been through, blinking sods! He shuffled out of the bushes towards the car park. He looked at his watch 2pm. God, he’d been asleep for 14hrs in the snow under a bush.
As he entered the main doors, people started pointing and laughing at him.

‘Its ok People of Gotham, I’m hear to save the world……’

That line always made them laugh……..or made them stare even more. He clambered the stairs and entered the ward where Jakes family were. He moved slower and slower as he reached the room. He peeked round the curtain………

The candle smoke started to affect his eyes again, Jake was sitting on the bed holding a football. On the seat next him was a PS4 box and in the bed his Mum was sitting up smiling…….

‘Hey, look mum it’s Batman…….! – hey Batman look what I got for Xmas……. A PS4, a phone, a football and bestest of all…….My Mum.’

Malkie smiled, gave him a hug.

‘Well done son, merry Xmas to you, your dad and especially your mum, I need to get back to Mouswald…. Oops sorry Gotham’

And with irritating candle smoke affecting his eyes again Malkie headed for the exit……

‘The Last Christmas Present’ was brought to you by Dodo Productions and @qosfc1919 © 2014

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