I’ve not written for a while ( a good thing I hear you say 🙂 ) but I thought I’d try and get back into it by writing about my weeks holiday. Unfortunately, for most readers, I didn’t climb Everest, nor did I get chased by a man eating lion through the African jungle, nor did I hang out with Paul Pogba. Nope. We took the ferry to Northern Ireland, stayed a few nights and returned on the ferry. That was it really. Unexciting though can be interesting in a weird way. Let’s return to last Monday………..
My other half likes to be in pole position for the ferry or ‘pole pozish’ as she calls it. First on and first off. Her Dad did it so we are carrying on the tradition 🙂 So, we always have to leave early and sit for ages in the priority lane. This morning was no different.
There’s usually a bit of ‘titting and luffing’ before we go. Mainly due to me being tired and being rushed out the door.
‘If you forget anything we can buy it when we’re over there…..’
‘But I’m still naked……’
‘For goodness sake we’ve only got 15 minutes…….’
See, the first rule of Game of Hols is be ready the night before. Sleep in the holiday attire, thus allowing you to be baled into the car even if you’re half asleep. Of course, one of the reasons we had to leave earlier was to get 24 Scotch pies from a bakers 16 miles away for Uncle Ian. Oh, and a box of Excel Cheese crisps. Oh, and a haggis. I should say Uncle Ian is lovely and fully deserving of 24 pies transported all the way from the Land Of His Birth but………
Did I mention the word ‘transported’. Therein lies another story. To transport said pies and haggis, my other half suggested we order a cool box from Amazon Prime. For those of you who don’t know, Amazon Prime was invented by Amazon to rake more money from punters to ensure next day delivery. I would have loved to have been working for Amazon the day Prime was invented…..
‘Hey, we’re falling behind in delivery dates. People are complaining more and more about late deliveries, but we just can’t keep up. There aren’t enough white van men to cope with the fact that due to people becoming ever increasingly lazy, and can’t be arsed going to the shops, we’re getting a billion orders every femtosecond’
‘What if we introduce a Premium rate which we’ll charge customers to ensure their goods are prioritised next day delivery and the rest of them get their goods whenever?’
‘Great idea Michael. We could charge say £79 and call it Amazon Prime!!’
Now, I know you can now watch bespoke televisual series on it, and The Grand Tour, but mainly your paying for quick delivery. The only thing is, sometimes, you click on something labelled ‘available for Prime delivery, you click on it, but you don’t notice the Prime bit has disappeared. Even worse is the email saying ‘You’re delivery will arrive between 12:33pm and 13:33pm. Not going to be in. Please let us know’. So, you wait and wait and wait. Then you receive an email ‘Sorry you were not in when we called. Please let us know when it would be suitable…..’
Not in….Not in!!! I had to watch 3 episodes of Housewives of Atlanta while i waited for my ‘Mrs /Beashams Guide to Cooking’ which never arrived until a week henceforth.
Ok, as usual, I’m digressing just a tad and, if anyone from Amazon is reading this, you do generally deliver when u say u will……….. so no hard feelings eh?
I asked ‘What size is it. It looks big.’
Measuring tape appears……
‘Only 48 x 30….so not that big….’
‘But it’s got wheels…..’
‘Too late i’ve clicked Prime.’
‘You were right…..it is big….’
‘The cool box’
‘Oh…it’s arrived. I never heard the van. Ok where is it?’
‘In the Hall’
………and, there it was, the biggest coolbox in the World.
‘It’s got 4 bits on the top to hold drinks, and you can use it as a seat or a table’
‘Will it fit in the car?’
‘I’m not sure’
‘Will we get our suitcases in as well as the Cool Box?’
‘I’m not sure…………but it will keep the 24 pies cool for five days…..’
The Cool Box of all Cool Boxes ☺️
The next morning there was actually not much titting and fuffing. There was also only room for only one case in the boot 🙂
We set off to get pies, Excel crisps and Haggis, oh and get the ferry to Northern Irelend.
I have to say those officials involved in Tescos coming to Castle Douglas deserve a pat on the back. They told them they could build their new shop, but it couldn’t have a butchers, a fishmongers or bakery in store. The net result is Castle Douglas High St still has such things. Corsan’s pies, Lentil soup, cream buns and Loren sausage rolls with tomato sauce are to die for. The butchers next door, Ballards, has won awards for it’s haggis and it’s steak pies. These are places of wonder. Preserved for us all by those clever people who dared to stand up to the bland buildings that now pose as supermarkets.
This morning it was pea and ham soup. Add a Loren sausage roll and a Diet Coke, I was in heaven.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I brought little freezer bags to put the pies in’
‘I think it’ll fit in a one-r’
‘Do you think so?’
‘Och aye. Nae bother. Save you bagging them up in threee’s and we can have our soup’
………………one minute later
‘Och you get in the car while I put them in the bags….and DON’t touch my bacon roll!!’
The biggest cool box in the world and it couldn’t take a tray of pies in one go.
I sulked in the car sipping my soup while Fran titted and fuffed in the kingdom of the Cool Box.
Eventually, with pies and haggis safely aboard, we set off for Cairnryan and the ferry.
If you’ve never been to Dumfries and Galloway, it’s lovely. Green lush countryside then lovely vies of the Solway firth and you trundle along at 40mph behind tractors and lorries. Now, I’m not one shouting for a 6 lane motorway to Stranraer but Lord Beecham deserves a heavenly slap with a wet fish. Back in 1963, he decided it was not worth keeping the Dumfries to Stranraer rail link alive because it was not cost effective. So, they closed it and all that’s left are overgrown viaducts and dodgy bridges with signs saying ‘Dangerous – Keep Out’. We have a painting on our living room wall with how it looked in it’s heyday painted by the son of one of the train drivers.
Thanks to Lord Beecham and his cronies, if you hit ferry traffic along the A75, you might as well stop and eat a pie.
Apart from one twazzock, who insisted in overtaking as many cars, lorries and caravans as possible, then sitting two feet off the next vehicle, the trip was slow but event free. We eventually found ourselves in pole position at the ferry terminal getting ready for the next stage of the journey….an hour and a half of people watching….
…..next time…….Japanese tourists, conversations on a boat, the marching season, the jogging drama….. all here on TheWorldAccordingToDave
‘My Holiday – Part One – The Cool Box of Pies’ was brought to you by Dodo Productions © 2017 .Follow me on Twitter @qosfc1919 and you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org