Unless you’re Justin Bieber or one of those Billionaires Eamon Holmes and wotsername have been staning gawpy-eyed at on the telly over the last couple of weeks……..

‘Wow…….WOW……WOW!!’ 

Have some pride Eamon, it’s only a diamond encrusted 200 feet yacht 🙂 

………. the rest of us will spend the week doing mere mortal things such as ‘shopping at Tescos’, ‘planting Spring bulbs’and ‘watching documentaries about Eamon Holmes gawping at Billionaires’ 😊

To fill in the gaps between the heady excitement of my life, I’ve been  sifting through all the bad news to hunt for quaint or funny stories for you on the net. If you look far enough there’s always a titter to be had somewhere.

My first port of call this week, was the Aston villa dressing room (yes, another football story 🙄 ). For some strange reason Villa have been struggling at the wrong end of the Premiership table for some time. i think it’s something to do with not scoring as many goals as the opposition, and, having a defence that should be called VillaLeaks. In an unusual twist for struggling Premiership teams, despite having done this several times before with no improvement, they decided to sack their manager, Tim Sherwood.

          Hail the new saviour, Remi Garde. The 49yr old Frenchman won the French equivalent of the FA Cup and the French SuperCup with Lyon. He might actually be quite good. 🙂

So, Remi comes in to the Villa dressing room and discovers, horror upon horror, that a chunk of his squad are…….wait for it……..FRENCH! ‘Zut Alors Que’st que se?’ Another unbelievable surprise clever Remi found, was the French quarter were speaking………now……I hope you’re sitting down……..FRENCH! Yes, they were actually speaking French to each other, despite all coming from France. The bold Remi decided the rest of the squad could not understand a word they were saying. This was obviously the reason Villa were bottom of the league. I mean, you can imagine the mayhem out on the pitch……..

‘Johnee, Johnee…..le ballon…….a moi…..’

‘Eh?’

‘Passeett Johnee……passeet’

‘Eh?’

All this confusion, by which time, Watford have run up the pitch and scored. 

So, what does the bold Remi do?. He bans them from speaking French. 

  

How he told his French proteges the bad news is unknown. Perhaps he ran two closed fingers across his pursed french lips, motivating his players to ‘zipit.com’. However, apparently their english isn’t that hot, so….wind on to next weekend…..

‘Johnee………’

‘Eh?’

‘Joh…nee’

‘Eh? Dunno wot u want mate’

Biggo Improvemento 🙂

Anyway, it reminded me of an obvious solution to Remi’s problem…………

http://youtu.be/SXdrOgA7ATU

So who are Villa playing this Sunday……..Zut Alors…….it’s…..ehm………Manchester City.

News also emerged that swinging Austerity cuts are having a major effect on our Police Forces around the country. Devon and Cornwall Police Force have announced ‘they will no longer investigate restaurant diners who failed to pay for their meal, unless……wait for it…..there are signs of criminality’. Now. What are ‘signs of criminality’ ? Does this include wearing a mask and carrying a bag with SWAG written on it, or after munching a 3 course meal with wine, coffee and liquers, sneaking the entire family of five off to the toliets and doing a bunk through the frosted glass window. 

  

‘Hello, Is that Cornwall Police?’

‘Yes it is. How can I not help  you this evening’

‘Well, this is Rick Stein here. I’m afraid the entire restaurant of guests sneaked out without paying tonight’

‘I see Mr Stein. I just need to get some details from you. Now what is your location?’

‘Padstow’

‘your restaurant name?

‘The Seafood Restaurant’

‘thanks….now I have to ask you whether there were any signs of criminality?’

‘What do you mean ‘criminality’?’

‘Well, do you think there was any criminal intent on behalf of your customers?’

‘Of course there was, all 63 of them disappeared between 9 and 11pm….and not one paid for a freshly caught King Prawn never mind the Thai duck with orange’ 

‘I should point out Mr Stein our Police Force is stretched  beyond belief. Cornwall is rife with gang warlords and drug dealers. We don’t really have time to investigate cases where people may have just forgotten to pay for their meal’

‘What? ALL 63 of them?’

‘I’m sorry Mr Stein…..I’ll have to come back to after a word from our sponsors…….’

‘Sponsors…….?’

                   Yes, at least one Police Force is considering finding sponsors to refill the dwindling coffers. Chief Constable Olly Martins of Bedfordshire Police Force said he would not be against sponsors logos on police cars. He quoted one of the biggest employers in the area, EasyJet as being a potential suitor. I think this would be a marriage made in heaven. All police cars could change to luminous orange instead of green, police usually are always late and the call centres are unable to help you anway, especially if your diners have walked out without paying. 

                    We could have EasyArrest, where criminality minded diners who didn’t pay for their meal at Rick’s, are invited to turn up at their local police station and give themselves in. Those that do so would get airmiles………it just all so clicks together. The two bobbies left to patrol the crime stricken streets of Bedfordshire could have Easybikes, which fold up to go over rough terrain and their truncheons could be sponsored by WWF.  Police shoes sponsored by Doc Martens, Tasers sponsored by the South Eastern Electricity board. Surveillence could be carried out by EasyDrone , who would do a deal with Amazon to deliver parcels at the same time. The possibilities are endless……
               

            For us in Scotland winter brings its issues. Mainly potholes, poor Rural Broadband and Christmas parties. (sorry, i only introduced the Rural Broadband bit because i live ruralry and i have poor broadband ). However, in Sweden things are a bit more complicated. Stockholm has a mere 6 hours of daylight at winters hiatus. ‘The Local’, an online Swedish newspaper has come up with some ideas to help Swedes cope with the darkness.

                 Amongst the suggestions to help the Swedes through the dark days are the following:

Put Your Best Clothes On

The Local Team suggest Swedes will spend much of the winter bundled up in big jumpers and coats. So why not ‘layer up’ and put you’re favourite shirt, dress or pants underneath to cheer yourself up.

I thought I’d try it. So, I put my Calvin Klein boxers on with my Armani suit, shirt and tie underneath my Adisdias tracky bottoms, my Brazil 1970 World cup Shirt and a wool jumper my Mum bought me for Xmas 5 years ago. My immediate feeling was not good. Unable to actually walk properly I now knew how the Michelin Man must have suffered all those years. Having waddled to the livingroom worse was to come as the woodburner was at full pelt. Sweat was soon pouring from every orifice, and, even worse, having sat down, i couldn’t get back up again. I was going to perspire to death on my sofa. all because of a stupid idea from a Swedish website. I was saved by the arrival of my other half who, laughing, pulled me up and took me to cooler airts. Both now laughing hysterically (for what reason I do not know), I suddenly realised the Swedes might not be a bunch of turnips after all. It was dark and dismal outside but i was laughing. The added bonus, I lost 3 pounds 🙂

to read the top 10 suggestions here’s the link 

http://www.thelocal.se/20151103/nine-ways-to-embrace-november-no-really

To finish off this edition of Dave’sWeek, I couldn’t not put these two youtube links up. The first one is so simple in it’s humour. Just a grandfather and grandson playing a simple game. With nearly a million views, they reckon this video may take this game to the top of the charts this Xmas. Made me laugh 🙂

and lastly, every year John Lewis produce a Christmas advert for their stores. They’re usually up their with the best. This year is no exception and, if there’s not a tear in your eye by the end, you are George Osbourne 🙂

  

So remember, get layered up and I hope you both have a great week  🙂

‘Dave’s Week – Ne pas parler français’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dodo Productions © 2015. You can follow me on Twitter at qosfc1919 or email me at davidlinden4@gmail.com