Hi, I’m Jeremy Paxman, and welcome to this weeks University Challenge Special, live from Donetsk in Ukraine. I’m joined by teams from Donetsk University, who stormed into the final beating the University of Crimea into a pulp in the first semi final, and, our World Leaders team, who received a bye in the second semi-final, after the Ukrainian Army team didn’t turn up.

Ok, so let’s meet our teams. First of all, we say hello to the Donetsk University team……..

‘Hallo, I eem from Donetsk University, studeeing Arms and Munitions Support…….

‘Hallo, I eem elso from Donetsk University, studeeing Covert Activities in Meeleetary Kombat’

‘And our 3rd member of the team……’

‘Hallo, I eem also from Donetsk University, and heff leeved here all my life, end am studeeing the geographee of Yukraine, including all road, power and transport leenks’

‘And finally the captain…..’

‘Hallo, my name is Vladimir, I am from Mother Russia and I eem studyeeng the faces of de udder team’

APPLAUSE

‘Before we move on to meet our second team, I just wanted to point out that it’s ok to remove your balaclavas if you want to’

…….sniggers and snorting from the Donetsk University Team…..

‘Ok, strange lot indeed…….let’s move on to our second team……’

‘Ok, my name is David Cameron and I’m the Prime Minister of Great Britain’

‘My name ees Chancellor Merkel and I am the leader of Europe……oh sorry I mean Germany and I am ze coach off the Merkel Meerkats Basketball team’

……….and our 3rd contestant…..

‘This is all spiffing what, My name is Boris, I’m the Mayor of London, bish bosh, and i haven’t the foggiest as to why I’m here, but tally ho chaps….’

……..and the World Leaders….and Boris by the sound of it’s team captain….

Hi, my name is President Obama, I am the leader of the Democratic Free world, President of the United States of America, coach of the Obama Saints basketball team and I DO not worry…..’

‘Ok let’s get started. Here’s a starter for ten. It’s a music question. For ten points tell me what this is….’

……Music starts……

…………………………………………………………………………’ nobody? Surely……..somebody………..
…………… Donetsk………surely someone from your team………..no?’

‘WORLD LEADERS JOHNSON’

‘Oh, Bish Bosh…….is it Elgars violin concerto in B minor?’
‘No you lose 5 points………..nobody from Donetsk at all…..no……c’mon…..you MUST know it……….ok…nope……..well, you’ll kick yourselves it’s your own Ukrainian National Anthem……..how embarrassing, you would think you’d never lived here……’

‘Ok here’s another starter for ten…..A country sends thousands of troops in to another country, separating a section of it from its parent, declares a vote and calls it it’s own….what is this called?’

DONETSK VLADIMIR

‘Eez eet success’

………sniggers from the rest of the team…….

‘Nope, you lose 5 points……..World Leaders….?’

WORLD LEADERS OBAMA

‘Is it annexation?’

‘…… At last someone is off the mark. 10 points to you, here is a 3 question bonus picture round. First of all, what is this………..?’

*whispers between World Leaders team….*

‘We saw these pictures before, 3 or 4 months ago when we were looking to see if it was true that the Soviets we’re building up their basketball facilities……..Yes Mr Obama you’re right I think in the end we decided it was an ice cream making factory……Yes David, that’s it, we did. You are a genius……….Bish Bosh, fillies and chaps……but aren’t those tanks?……….Don’t be zo stoopid you buffoon….zees peectures were examined by the ZIA, EMI5 and 3 EU Papershufflers………’

‘Have to hurry you I’m afraid’

‘WORLD LEADERS OBAMA’

‘You don’t have to buzz as it’s your bonus round’

‘Sorry man……is it an ice cream factory…….?’

‘Nope, it’s a picture of the build up of tanks on the Soviet/Ukrainian border, taken 4 months ago’

….and this picture?

‘Is it a soldier?’

‘Yes, I think even my 5yr old niece could tell me that. I’m looking for the specific country and location of said soldier’

‘Is it a Ukrainain soldier in Donetsk?’

‘You were really close there…nope it’s a Russian soldier in Donetsk right now surrounding this building as we speak’

*sniggers from the ‘Donetsk University’ team*

Ok, and finally this…….

‘Is THAT the ice cream factory?’

‘Nope, that’s a secret underground military base which the Soviets have built under the Ukrainian capital Kiev’

*gasps from the Audience*

‘Ok your next question for 10 points is on energy. Your gas supplier suddenly increases your gas bill by 80% and threatens to cut off your supply if you don’t pay. What is this called?’

DONETSK NUMBER 3

‘ goot feenancial practees?’

‘No you lose 5 points. World Leaders………and Boris?’

WORLD LEADERS OBAMA

‘Is it gross exploitation and blackmail?’

‘ten points to you, here’s your bonus picture round’

‘For 5 points, tell me who this is?’

‘ that’s easy. It’s that asshole Putin…’

*noises and commotion from other team*

‘Oops Vladimir appears to have fallen off his chair……are u ok Vladimir? He’s choking, someone get him a glass of water………gosh, he’s quite small no wonder you got all those cushions on your chair, we wouldn’t be able to see you……….ok while they are sorting him out we’ll carry on with the bonus picture round……ok for 5 points….who’s this?’

‘Sorry, we don’t know. Looks a nice man but no idea sorry….’

‘It’s Vladimir Putins father…….and lastly for 5 points…..who’s this?’
>

‘Well, we don’t know but based on the other questions, is it…..Putin and his mother?’

‘Mama……’

‘Sorry, it’s not your turn Donetsk…….are you ok Vlad, you’ve got a hankie out there’

‘She was so beautiful……’

‘Yes she was Vlad, we need to move on……’

*The gong goes off……..*

‘Well, that’s it. Thank you both sets of contestants…. And the winners are the Western World Leaders by 30 points to -10…….well played…..everyone……’

‘Niet Niet, these weel not happen. Surround them……’

*vladimir takes his balaclava off followed by gasps from the audience……*
‘Ah Mr Putin, pleased to meet you. I thought there was something wrong when none of you knew your own national anthem!’

‘Never mind that, arrest heem and hold the rest of these so called leaders. We deed not lose, thees prrogramme weel not be televised, my modder would be proud….hail Modder Russia’

Outside, 2hrs later

‘Hi, I’m outside the Donetsk University Library, where 2hrs ago during a recording of University Challenge, Vladimir Putin annexed the building and declared it part of Soviet Russia after the audience voted to secede from Ukraine. President Obama, Chancellor Merkel, UK Prime Minister David Cameron were all released but allegedly, the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson voted to secede to Russia along with the audience. Jeremy Paxman was also released but only after confirming the ‘Donetsk University’ team had won the game by two hundred points to zero.

We’ll keep you updated on any further news. I’m Tony Preccaro, Have a great evening….’